Not just soup....but yay soup!

It’s been months and months since I first mentioned the soup blog. I still haven’t written it. As I was thinking about it today, I thought….does it really matter now? Why should I write it after all these months? Sometimes we have to bring things back up and talk about them again, not because we haven’t moved past that thought but because someone else can benefit from our story. So….here goes….the soup blog…. Last Summer, 2 different guys in my life said very similar things to me….that I’m comforting….it’s comforting when I’m around. The second time I heard it, I busted out with….SOUP! I AM FREAKIN’ CAMPBELL’S SOUP! BUT WHO WANTS SOUP EVERYDAY? The friend I was with at that time took it one way and made me promise to stop talking about myself like I didn’t deserve great things. I took his advice to heart and even did something about it….maybe I’ll get to that later on. Then I told this realization to the first guy who called me comforting. He took it a different way and told me that being soup is a good thing. He said, soup comes in so many different varieties….I wondered for a minute is he was calling me crazy and saying I came with many personalities. Either way, he thought it was a good thing to think of myself as soup. So I took my friends advice and I started believing that I deserve good things. I thought about how I would spend a lot of money on a gift for someone else because “they deserve it” but if I needed something new, I didn’t mind going to the dollar store for myself. There’s nothing wrong with being frugal as long as it’s for good reason and not because you feel like you only deserve the dollar store. So I started on a journey of learning to take care of me. This meant saying no to a lot of things that I did out of obligation. It meant figuring out what I liked and enjoyed and taking time for those things. In August, I was shopping with my mom and saw a bracelet/watch thing that I had seen one of my customers wearing the week before. I liked it a lot but never wear watches and “diamonds just aren’t me.” For a month I thought about this watch. I finally decided I wanted it….I should have something pretty….who says diamonds aren’t me? I went to the store and there was one watch left. I looked at the $28 price tag and almost didn’t buy it. $28 isn’t a whole lot but for someone who’s used to simple things and trips to the dollar store, this was a pretty big deal. I sat in my car and put the watch on. I loved it! It was beautiful! The next store I went in was a jewelry store. Walking in, I actually thought, I hope they don’t think I stole this from another store. I stood there and had a conversation in my head about this. Just because I’m not used to wearing things that sparkle, no one else knows that, why in the world would they just assume I stole it? And this, friends, is how the spirit of inadequacy works….why am I not good enough? What’s wrong with me? Will I ever be enough for someone to love and want? Oh no, I’m ok, I don’t need anything fancy or nice. And those are BIG FAT LIES. I do regret not blogging through this whole process. A lot of lessons have been learned. A lot of new things….I curl my hair often….because I love my hair when it’s curly. I go on long walks and hikes by myself….and occasionally with a friend. I joined a gym and met with a personal trainer for a few months. I had two goals….gain confidence and don’t lose my butt….I reached both of those goals and am still working on them. As I’m reading back over this, I’m thinking, what did I just do? What does this have to do with the soup story? It all ties together. I have to see the compliment in being soup. I love that others find me comforting. I love that I can hold someone and let them feel loved. But I also can’t think of myself as just soup. Sometimes you’re in the mood for tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich. Sometimes you want something more fancy. Yeah, fancy soup, I’m sure there’s fancy soup somewhere. It’s a balancing act. One of the first things I learned from my personal trainer was about balance….when you relax, you can keep your balance better. Everything in life is a balancing act. I may be soup….but I’m beautiful soup….and someday I’m going to meet someone who is crazy about soup. This didn’t turn out like I wanted it to….but such is life.

ramblings

I’ve always been told that I give up too easily…that when it gets tough, I quit…when it gets uncomfortable, I run. But as I look back on the things I have fought for, the really important things to me…I held on as tightly as I could. It wasn’t until someone else made me let go that I was able to. Sometimes I wonder if there’s such a thing as too much hope. I know that there can be a disaster waiting around any corner and pain can sneak up on you at any time. Things won’t always work out the way we want or even hope they will. But is that a reason to walk through any door with an expectation of failure and pain? Even things that didn’t work out, I look back and remember the feeling of excitement and hope and the fun that was had. And I regret nothing. But if there had ever been a time I didn’t walk through an open door just because there was a possibility it would lead to a dark, dead end hallway...I would regret it everyday…because maybe, just maybe it would lead to something beautiful…like a secret garden or a breath-taking view. So no…there is no such thing as too much hope. Because no matter what happens…it’s an experience, it’s a story, it’s a chance to explore, a chance to live.

the monster in my garage

My mornings usually start a little like this….I hit the snooze button at least 5 times….I think about getting up….then stretch a little….think about how I wish I didn’t have to get up….stretch a little more….then sort of roll out of bed. This morning was different. I actually hit snooze way more times than usual. After stretching a little, the thought came to my mind….I can’t do this by myself. So before my feet ever hit the ground, I began praying some very specific prayers to God….as He laid on my heart things I would need to walk through this day. I am not a morning person….surprise! I want to be. I love being awake early but it seems to take so long to wake up and feel focused. So for my mind and heart to be this focused before I even rolled out of bed was very unusual. I don’t even think I rolled out this morning….I sort of hopped out….excited to get the day started. Nothing unusual happened at work….nothing special. But I could feel them….all the things I had asked God for today. The point in that is don’t hesitate to ask God for what you need. He’s waiting for you to ask. He’s there with an abundance of joy, peace, love….and anything else you need. You never know where your day will take you….or your thoughts or emotions. Yesterday I was feeling very homesick. Today wasn’t so bad. But as I drove home from work, I began thinking of all the things I needed to do this evening. I thought about dinner and what I would cook. I thought about needing groceries and cleaning and exercising (none of which I’ve done yet). My mind goes quickly from one thing to the next. So it wasn’t long before I was thinking about how I used to spend my evenings when I lived in Lewisburg. I wouldn’t get home until at least 5:30. I would always come home to family and friends. My sister and I would usually cook dinner together for everyone. After cleaning up and doing the dishes, we would go for a walk. We walked 2 miles every night. Some of my best memories are from those walks. I got home, walked in and sat my belongings down. Then it hit me….something like peace. It’s rare that I open the garage door and don’t feel like a ton of bricks have fallen on me. Many times I’ve had to pray before even opening that door because I know what’s on the other side….empty, quiet rooms. But tonight I walked in and never even felt it….the sadness. I thanked God. I thanked Him that before my day started He was working. He was working to give me peace and strength. He was working to bring me joy and hope. He was working to fight that monster behind the garage door….that monster that says, “You’re all alone. You better figure this out on your own because nobody is coming to rescue you. It’s just you and me.” Am I the only one with a monster like this? I sure hope not. But I also hope that you too know the truths that God speaks much louder than any of those lies….YOU ARE LOVED! YOU ARE WANTED! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Patience...and other annoying lessons

Patience is a virtue. And by golly, it’s gonna be one of mine, even if it kills me. I’ve always been patient when it comes to others…mistakes, children, other people in general. But there are some things in life that cause me to feel very impatient. Waiting on answers. Waiting on things to work out. Waiting on things to happen. Sometimes I feel like I’ve been waiting around for 30 years for my life to start. Other times I feel like it’s come and gone and I’ve missed it altogether. I can’t explain those feelings, justify them, or defend them. All I can do is admit to them. I always say. “Patience is a virtue but it’s not one of mine.” A few weeks ago, I was driving and began thinking about a situation in my life that is left without answers. Someday, probably after I master patience, I will learn that one very important word….LETITGO! Sometimes you just won’t get answers…ever. So you just have to let it go. So I began praying about this certain situation when I looked up and saw a billboard on the side of the interstate. The bottom sign was for BP and above it was a blank, white sign and in the lower right corner, printed very small were the words…patience is a virtue. Out loud…very loudly…I said, “REALLY, GOD…REALLY? That’s what You have to say right now? Tell me something I don’t know!” Then my own words played in my mind…patience is virtue but it’s not one of mine. Then I said…”Oohhhh! That’s what this is about.” But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control…. We can’t pick only what comes easy. Or in what situations we want to show love, patience, gentleness….We must bear fruit at all times, in all situations. I’m in the process of learning. And trying.

Thinking a lot....dreaming a little

As I left Knoxville this past weekend, I was driving down the interstate, doing a lot of thinking. As usual. Some say I think too much. Or over think things. I agree. But I don’t know how not to. I passed one of the exits that I hear about often but have only been on once. When I read the sign, I felt this feeling of familiarity. And somehow, that’s what started my thinking. Three and a half years ago, I was someone who was unwilling to drive on the interstate but more than willing to hop on a plane for the first time ever, fly to a third-world country in South America and live with a family I’d never met. Why? Not only is the interstate a scary place, it’s normal (for normal people)….it’s part of everyday life. It’s routine. It’s the daily work commute. It’s the weekly shopping trip. It’s the monthly business trip. It becomes mundane. What scared me more….the traffic or the idea of getting up everyday and doing the same thing? When I moved here in November, it was my 10th move in 9 years. The longest I’ve been in one place at one time, since I was 21, was the 2 years I lived in Lewisburg. Why was I there so long? I had dreams….dreams of being settled down….living in a little house with flowers in the yard, walking the kids to the school directly across the street, planting a garden….living with the awareness that every 30 minutes the train would go by. Talk about routine. That’s what I wanted….to wear my favorite apron and make homemade biscuits, pick berries and make homemade jam, to hang the laundry outside to dry on warm days. I loved waking up everyday, going to the same job, seeing the same people….dreaming the same dreams. And then….I woke up. After that, in every place I lived, as soon as the last box was empty, the last picture hung, I started getting antsy. I thought it was an adventurous spirit….I didn’t realize it was a broken spirit. When the routine gets set and the days run together, I feel that uncomfortable feeling….I don’t know if I can put words to it….it makes me want to dream. It makes me want to hope. But is it safe to dream? Is it safe to hope? It sure is easier to pack up and move on. It’s easier to push your dreams aside and become someone new. Is my heart dreaming today? Maybe. I want to buy a sewing machine. I want to finish sewing the aprons I’ve started. I want to learn to make tiny dresses for little princesses. I want to make those homemade biscuits I dreamed of and pick the berries for the jam. I want to finally plant the herbs that I bought seeds for months ago. I want to do all the things that bring me joy. I don’t want to pack up, move on, or be someone new. I want to get back to me and back to my dreams….even if that means being uncomfortable for a little while.

Living, loving & learning

I believe in fairy tales and I’m told that it’s ok. I hold tight to that truth that IT’S OK…to have desires, longings, to want someone to smile when I walk in the room, to giggle when someone says his name. Those are not silly, girlish things. That’s the way God made the woman’s heart. It’s His design and He understands it fully…even when these longings cause us to act out in silly ways. What’s the point? LOVE…that’s the point. I am learning about love…God’s love. I have so many passionate things inside of me that I enjoy sharing. I generally always felt hopeful…usually…some of the time. I could find encouragement in just about any situation. I’m not the person who falls apart easily. I always saw myself that way…weak and emotional. But others would describe me as strong and persevering. So…then why on earth did I fall apart? Why did I feel completely lost…completely hopeless…helpless…alone…and the list of self-pitying words could go on and on. For one…I found out that my heart is still beating. The heart that has been hard and lifeless for 4 years…it’s still there. And it’s capable of feeling so much love. None of us want to feel heartbreak but sometimes it’s just what we need, as a reminder that we are still alive. Sometimes we live so long just going through the motions and not feeling anything that we forget how to really live. Life is full of all kinds of emotions and we can’t shield ourselves from the ones we don’t like or else we shield ourselves from life’s fullness. What does this have to do with God’s love? Everything. God is incredibly, madly, passionately in love with us. What do we do when He so passionately pursues us? Do we trust Him? Do we open up our hearts and accept His love? Do we fall right back in love with Him? Do we tell him we’re too busy or too tired to spend time with him? Do we let our hurts and fears keep us from trusting in His love? Do we push Him away or try to run? Do we sit at His feet with all of our brokenness and honesty and let Him fill our broken hearts with His love? I know I have hurt God’s heart many times, as I’ve pushed Him away and told Him with my actions that I don’t trust Him. But He’s so forgiving. That’s how much He loves us. Even while His heart is breaking, He’s pursuing us. I’m not perfect. I’m learning. Life is a series of new lessons and new beginnings. One of my deep desires is to start writing again. I plan to open up my heart, as messy as it is, and share the lessons I’m learning. Hopefully there won’t be another year between blog entries.

The Danger of Resignation

A few days ago, I felt ashamed that the thought on my mind was, “I’m so done with this season in my life.” I’m not even sure when this season began but it seems to be filled with nothing but loss and sadness. It’s not me at all to want to throw my hands up and call it quits. Normally, I can learn lessons in any trial and walk away from any mistake having no regrets. I won’t go into detail on these things that have happened but a few weeks ago I received heart-breaking news. I was actually shocked at how much it affected me. It opened the door for God to begin working on my heart….in ways that are anything but fun. Because of these heart issues that God & I have been dealing with, I took two chances that I normally would have run from. I walked away from the second one feeling worse than I ever remember feeling. At one point, when things were going good, I made a comment that I felt bad for ever doubting that God had a plan for me. In the end, I felt as though God had dangled a dream in front of me and just when I got the courage to reach for it, He snatched it back and laughed, “You thought I was serious!” Yes, I know that is not the nature of God. I know that He does have a plan for me and that He’s not going to let me settle for anything less. My heart was tired and almost to the point of resignation. We can resign from what God is doing in us. We can opt out of His plan when the process seems too hard. But know that He sees the end. He knows what He’s doing. He loves us and has our best interest at heart. These song lyrics speaks volumes to my heart…. I knew what I was getting into when I called you. I knew what I was getting into when I said your name, but I said it just the same. I knew what I was getting into and I still want you. And I am not shocked by your weakness. And I am not shocked even by your sin. And I am not shocked by your brokenness. Because only I can see the end from the beginning. And only I can see where this is going. And only I can see the end from the beginning. And I see in you the seeds of love. And I see in you strength when all you see is your failure On Friday morning, I drove to work feeling sad, tired, and praying for the week to get better. Instead, I got news that my grandpa had passed away. More heart-breaking news. Somehow, I forgot that my heart was ready to resign. Instead, it had to hold on tighter, just a little longer. This is the third grandparent I’ve lost. And every time I say, I have no idea how someone can go through this without Jesus. I am so thankful for the time I got to spend with my grandpa that last weekend. And so thankful for the strength that God has given us all through this time. As much as it doesn’t make sense in a human perspective, I’ve walked away knowing that God is up to something big. It has to be something big for me to have considered giving up on this process. I got home and checked the mail to find exactly what God wanted to speak to my heart today….a letter about hope. I have read this prayer several times and mean every word of it…. Jesus, I ask you to breathe hope into me, right here, in the places that have lost hope. Restore hope. Give me your hope. Spirit, help me; I pray to overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. I renounce resignation, cynicism and defeat; I renounce hopelessness. Come and restore my heart here, Lord. I put my hope not in an object or an outcome but in Jesus Christ. I put my hope in you, Jesus. Come and breathe your hope in me, and keep breathing it into me, breathing it into me, breathing it into me. I welcome hope; I receive hope. Because of you, Jesus; because you are here. In your name I pray. Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 So….while God does give us the option of resigning….nothing on earth could be better than the plans He has for us….even when we can’t see the outcome yet. He sees the end….and we’re only at the beginning.

This Season

I may be a little more honest in this post than in most of my blog entries. I know that the only people who read my blog are the ones who care what I have to say. So I’m definitely not worried that I’m telling the whole world anything too personal because the whole world does not read my blog.

This season for me is a season of tearing down walls, building friendships, and pressing into God. It’s also been a season of seeing what I’m made of, seeing how much I want what God has for me. I was given a great word of advice a couple months ago…FIGHT LIKE HELL…for the things God wants to do in me. Fight against the lies of the enemy. Fight against the temptation to keep building walls, to not let anyone in. Fight for change, restoration, and healing.

During this time, I have been going through the Freedom in Christ study with a great friend and leader. I’ve learned so much, about God and about myself. Even before moving here, PERSPECTIVE was a huge theme in what God was trying to teach me. I have been blessed, through submitting to God and His process, with a new perspective on many things…my job, my relationships, my past. I am so thankful to begin seeing things through His eyes, as I trust in His bigger plan.

I am finding joy in being around others, rather than being filled with fear of rejection. I have peace at my job and I trust I am exactly where God wants me. I feel this incredible hope as I trust God for my future. I’m thankful that He has a plan and a purpose just for me. He has a special adventure waiting for me. But I’m also trusting Him in the everyday things, that He can bring joy and excitement through the smallest, most routine parts of my day.

As I got home tonight, I was still smiling from ear to ear from the joy that I am overwhelmed with today. (Here’s the more personal bit…) I’ve written today’s date many times throughout the day and each time it was just another day. For that I am thankful…not only is it just another day…it’s a new day. Today is August 30th. Today could have been my 3 year anniversary. As I realized this at 9:00 pm, when the day is almost over…I am still smiling from ear to ear. Today I walk in complete healing, in overwhelming joy, in unfailing love, in supernatural peace. I am so thankful for the plans God has for me! I’m thankful that He doesn’t let my plans get in the way of His plans! I’m thankful that He gently draws us to Himself and yet He passionately pursues us!

The Lord will work out His plans for my life - for Your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever. Psalm 138:8

My future is in Your hands! Psalm 31:15

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

I Had Forgotten How Long the Road Was

20 years…that’s how long I’ve known Camp Hickory Hills as a second home, as a place of peace, a place of retreat. Friends are not only made there…they come back year after year and pick right up where they left off. I am so thankful for that being such a huge part of my life and for all the people there who have loved me, prayed for me, and even disciplined me!

I was a camper from age 8 to 21 and part of the staff starting at age 17. Some years, I attended as a camper, then worked 2 camps. Other years, I worked 3 different camps…I was pretty much running on Slushies and square pizza. I’m so thankful for the directors who always saw my heart and were willing to give me a chance to serve.

When I was a kid, the drive to camp was about 4 hours. But if you’ve ever been there, you know what the longest part of that drive is…the last road. Even now, it seems like a lifetime could pass before you get there. Then, finally, you see Skeeter’s…you’re only half-way there. Great…will we ever get there?

I can’t even count the times we got lost. The other day I heard a mom say that her husband was giving her directions and said, “Count 7 bridges…” 20 years and I’ve never even thought to count the bridges. Hmmm…

Last year was the first year I didn’t get to work at camp. I had a good excuse…I was out of the country. This year I knew I wouldn’t get to work but I was so thankful that I got to spend 2 days there. Several times I’ve hinted around about wanting to work in the kitchen. Every time, I get this strange look. For years, I’ve wanted to wash dishes at camp…but when you’re a cabin leader there’s just no time to wash the dishes…but I can scrub all the toilets I want to…I do always enjoy that. If you think I’m joking, you’ve never seen me scrubbing toilets at camp…I really do enjoy it! This year I got to help out some with the staff meal on Saturday. I mostly felt like I was in the way…but I really love chopping vegetables…so it was a blessing to get to be in the kitchen there. Then…guess what I did…da…dada……I WASHED DISHES! It was just as fun as I always imagined it being. Seriously!

Later that day, I got to help with registration…a part of camp I’ve never experienced because at that time I’m always sitting on my bed waiting for the campers to arrive and make their beds. I actually found myself genuinely surprised that someone had NEVER been there before. What? Really? It suddenly occurred to me that as these people arrive and walk into the chapel I’m the first face they see…dear Lord, no one thought this through!

This blog was not supposed to be about my camp experience but rather about my camp journey. But as I began typing, I just couldn’t help myself. So…this year, I was coming from an entirely different place. I knew a way to get to camp from here (without getting on the interstate…because I just don’t do that) but my dad was insistent that I not go that way because it was the long way. Isn’t that how it usually is…we think we know what we’re doing, where we’re going, how to get there…let’s face it, we know it all. The way we go about things may get us there eventually…but it’s just not the BEST way to go.

So after much searching for the BEST way to go, I started off on my little journey to camp. The roads I took were AMAZING…beautiful trees and scenery, great houses…my kind of houses (old). At one point, I was on this beautiful, winding road and I had this great joy come over me. I thought about how I used to love this…driving by myself, finding great new ways to get to places, just the peacefulness of the drive. Then I thought how long it had been since I’ve had that feeling…2 years. I used to love that…then I got so used to enjoying those things and always having someone else with me that I completely forgot how to have that joy on my own. I couldn’t believe that for 2 years I had not allowed myself this joy. I couldn’t be too hard on myself about it because I honestly didn’t even realize I had missed it.

As I’m really enjoying my drive, guess what…I got lost. I ended up turning down OLD Hwy 7...not the Hwy 7 I was supposed to be on. After a little freaking out and a phone call to Matt (who was in Gatlinburg but I wanted him to prove to me that his phone really can do everything and get me “unlost”), I was finally on the right road again……then……I couldn’t go any further. The road was closed. Of course I called Matt again. He took me on a little detour and got me back to that road several miles down. If that side of the road had been closed, I would have turned around and came back home. So again I got on the correct Hwy 7...and I got right behind 3 big trucks going 35mph on a road where there was really no way to pass them. I was already thinking, “Am I ever going to get to camp?”

Finally…I got to Dickson…after a quick stop at O’Charley’s and a trip to Walmart with Ana, I was ALMOST there. On that last road…finally. I’m thinking, “How long is this road? I just want to be there already!” Just when I’m thinking I’m almost there, I get to Skeeter’s…man, this is like half-way.

Two years ago, the road closed…if I’m really honest, there were signs…DETOUR AHEAD - ROAD CLOSED…but what can you do until you get to that point? God had a different road, a better road. And there are so many times when I just cry out…HOW LONG IS THIS ROAD? I JUST WANT TO BE THERE ALREADY! That’s when I hear it…the whisper…DO YOU TRUST ME? Then there are times when I think I’m almost there…and I see it…it’s just a landmark…still not there. But that doesn’t mean I stop and park there, no, I keep going because I trust Him! He has a place of peace for me, a place a retreat…I LIFT MY EYES UP TO THE HILLS - WHERE DOES MY HELP COME FROM? MY HELP COMES FROM THE LORD, THE MAKER OF HEAVEN AND EARTH (Psalm 121:1,2).

A New Season

When I left for Paraguay, it was Winter here. I arrived there and it was Summer and about 120 degrees. We had hot temperatures about half the time I was there. Then came Fall and Winter. When I arrived home in July, Summer again. I missed Spring. My body had to adjust to the change in weather and also to the missing of Spring. I believe each season affects our body differently. Seasons are a great design of God and there is reason for each one. My body was so ready for Spring this year! Everything feels newer, fresher, healthier.

This last season I walked through was not my best. But I have to believe there is purpose in everything. It was a season of what seemed like purposeless living, much sickness, and no writing at all.

Not only was my body ready for a new season, my spirit was as well. I'm sure God is always working things together that we have no idea of. These past several weeks I've actually been able to watch as doors have been opened and others have been closed. The closing of doors hurts. Not that we believe it's the best place for us but sometimes it's the comfortable or easy place for us. All things are becoming new. Even things that may not seem significant to others. A new haircut, new glasses, a new perspective, a new church, a new job, and soon to be a new residence.

That last one, a new residence, is currently in the process stage. It's something I know is a necessity for growth. I don't do well with change, even good changes. But I'm learning. Learning how to trust. Learning that my plans are not always best. Learning that new and different should not equal fear and worry.

The other night, while talking with my soon-to-be new roommate, we discussed how surreal it all seems. This is really happening. And we have to take the necessary steps. It's one thing to suddenly find yourself in a new season of life. It sometimes happens gradually and unconsciously. But when you have to actually take physical steps to move yourself from one season into the next, it's very overwhelming. That's when your trust in God is not only tested but it also grows.

I read something the other night that really speaks to me about this last season: "He is the door. This was not about me checking off my to-do list of accomplishments, but about me drawing closer to Him. As that happened, He would open a door that no one could shut. The time in which I thought He was not moving was actually the time He was moving in my heart. As I kept His Word and proclaimed His name, He was preparing me to walk through the door." (from What Happens When Women Walk In Faith by Lysa TerKeurst)

Something else I wanted to share from the same book: "We need to learn that God has a plan and to trust His plan. In so doing, we'll find that we must leave our old identity behind...God has given us a new name, but sometimes we try to put our new name on our old identity. I had to learn to leave my wrong perceptions of myself and my bitterness from my past...He wanted to shine His grace, mercy, love, and redemption through my faults, failures, and frailties. He wanted to make me strong in His strength."

For any of you who are wondering where I'm moving to, I plan to move to Spring Hill. My church is there, my job is there. I feel strongly that is also where God wants my home to be.

More than a proposal...

More than just a man with a proposal, Adoniram Judson was a man with a passion and a purpose. He was a real man. By that, I don’t just mean he wasn’t a fictional character. He was a true man of God, with courage and passion. I love reading the letter of proposal he wrote to Ann Hasseltine. Every time I read it, my hope is renewed that someday I may be so blessed as to meet a man with such passion to reach a lost world and follow God no matter where He leads.

(This may not be the whole letter. I can’t seem to find my book on the life of Ann H. Judson.)

"January 1, 1811. Tuesday Morning
It is with the utmost sincerity, and with my whole heart, that I wish you, my love, a happy new year. May it be a year in which your walk will be close with God; your frame calm and serene; and the road that leads you to the Lamb marked with purer light. May it be a year in which you will have more largely the spirit of Christ, be raised above sublunary things, and be willing to be disposed of in this world just as God shall please. As every moment of the year will bring you nearer the end of your pilgrimage, may it bring you nearer to God, and find you more prepared to hail the messenger of death as a deliverer and a friend. And now, since I have begun to wish, I will go on. May this be the year in which you will change your name; in which you will take a final leave of your relatives and native land; in which you will cross the wide ocean, and dwell on the other side of the world, among a heathen people. What a great change will this year probably effect in our lives! How very different will be our situation and employment! If our lives are preserved and our attempt prospered, we shall next new year's day be in India, and perhaps wish each other a happy new year in the uncouth dialect of Hindostan or Burmah. We shall no more see our kind friends around us, or enjoy the conveniences of civilized life, or go to the house of God with those that keep holy day; but swarthy countenances will everywhere meet our eye, the jargon of an unknown tongue will assail our ears, and we shall witness the assembling of the heathen to celebrate the worship of idol gods. We shall be weary of the world, and wish for wings like a dove, that we may fly away and be at rest. We shall probably experience seasons when we shall be 'exceeding sorrowful, even unto death. We shall see many dreary, disconsolate hours, and feel a sinking of spirits, anguish of mind, of which now we can form little conception. O, we shall wish to lie down and die. And that time may soon come. One of us may be unable to sustain the heat of the climate and the change of habits; and the other may say, with literal truth, over the grave--
'By foreign hands thy dying eyes were closed;
By foreign hands thy decent limbs composed;
By foreign hands thy humble grave adorned;'
but whether we shall be honored and mourned by strangers, God only knows. At least, either of us will be certain of one mourner. In view of such scenes shall we not pray with earnestness 'O for an overcoming faith,'?”

* Ann and Adoniram were married on February 5th, 1812. They started their missionary journey on February 19th, 1812.

Packing Again

This time I'm only moving an hour away but I'm taking ALL my stuff. Marlena and I will be renting an amazing house, thanks to some great friends. There will be plenty of room for all our stuff and for the kids to play. I'm feeling what April and Matt have experienced for the past several years. They have tried to move away from Lewisburg a few times but always get pulled back. I'm not sure what it is about that place but it's where I want to be, for now at least.

I'll be looking for a job soon. I don't want just another job, something to fill in my time. I want one that will be a stepping stone to greater things. I almost did it again. I almost settled for what was there in front of me and what was easy to say yes to. But thank God He reminded me of my dreams and encouraged me to keep moving forward. I know He will provide!

I'm looking forward to a great family reunion this weekend! A little nervous because of where it will be and the memories that come along with it. But all I can do is be thankful I have them to remember and start making new ones. I'm really looking forward to spending time with my grandparents. I love watching them with Seth and Alex. It's so much fun. Maybe we can get Granny to play a board game with us. That always brings a lot of laughter and fun.

I have a book I've agreed to read and write 9 blogs on, one on each chapter. I desperately need to start working on that. Things just still feel so crazy. I'm hoping once I get moved and have my own space I can just relax and get some things done.

Update

I've been home for 3 weeks now. As sad as I was to leave Paraguay, I am really happy to be home. While I was packing my things to leave, I came across a letter my sister had written me at Christmas. The phrase running through my mind the whole way home was "ADVENTURE AWAITS." Those were her words for me as I left for Paraguay. But they were also words for me as I came home.

I have no idea what the future holds. I have no big plan right now. The big plans are up to God. I have ideas, dreams, desires. I trust that if those fit into God's plan, He will provide and He will fulfill.

I honestly don't feel rested yet. I have a few days I plan to "slip away" for a time of rest. I plan to spend a few days in a house in the country, just me and God.

Not only did I change the name and theme of my blog here, I also started a new one.... www.savor-tasteandsee.blogspot.com. For now it's only a blog....but remember I have ideas.

Today I'm going to church with Marlena. It's a church I've never been to. Then later this afternoon I'm going to a cookout at the house of the pastor at Rolling Hills. I'm very nervous about that. Don't know how to get there. Have never driven in Franklin. And I'll be meeting new people. You all know how I am at that....horrible. But....it will be an adventure. And....I'm sure there will be dessert.

Last days in Paraguay

Thursday, Christie and I rode the buses to Itagua to get Heather. My last bus rides in Paraguay. Heather came and spent the weekend here with us. We had a blast. A great way to end our time here.

Friday, the two of us walked to the market to look for a few more souvenirs. We stopped and got an ice cream to eat while we walked back home. I love this town and everything about it! I love walking through the town, looking in stores, seeing people I know, having someone drive by on a moto and honk and wave because they recognized me. It’s just amazing here. And I have no words that will tell you why, no pictures that will show you. It’s something you would have to feel for yourself. I thank God everyday that I got the chance to be here and feel how special this place is! I know that sounds cheesy but if you know me, you know I don’t care.

I spent Friday afternoon doing what I love most – baking. For the first time ever I baked cookies that both looked and tasted incredible. And I’m not sharing my recipe with anyone outside of Paraguay. I also baked a chocolate cake. I have used this same recipe several times since I’ve been here. That one I may share. It’s a recipe from the great depression. It doesn’t have eggs or butter. And it tastes amazing. I made two small cakes, layered them with chocolate peanut butter bon bon filling. The only icing here comes in a bag. You have to heat it up to make it soft enough to use. Then it hardens back up if you put it in the refrigerator. It made for a super tasty cake. Unfortunately, it wasn’t big enough. The people who showed up late didn’t get any cake.

That night we had my despedida, going away party. I think by the end of the night about 30 people showed up. We had a lot of fun playing games and hanging out. I didn’t make it to bed til about 3 that morning.

Saturday we got up early and headed to Asuncion. We went to the zoo. I really don’t know what to say about that. I saw some of the creepiest things I’ve ever seen in my life. The animals were cool. I loved the monkeys. There were a lot of beautiful trees and flowers there.

That evening, I baked more cookies. Fun and delicious. That night Heather and I walked with two of our friends to Mana, a great little restaurant by the plaza. I wanted to eat one last lomito before I left. It was fun, sitting outside eating, seeing the usual weekend in the plaza stuff going on. We walked around the plaza and took a few pictures. Then we walked to Metamorphosis, a great youth outreach here in town. We listened to a great lesson, then played games and had fun. We walked home around 11. I’m going to miss those quiet walks home at night.

Sunday morning I made popcorn and kool-aid for la hora feliz. Then I napped most of the afternoon, since Heather and I were up late again the night before. That evening I went to church one last time. The pastor had me say a few words. Of course I was scared half to death but thankfully I had Camille translating and she could make it sound a little better than I had said it. Everyone at church was so sweet. Lots of hugs! I will miss them all so much!

On Monday Christie, Oscar and I rode out to the country where we visited with some friends. I needed to leave some of my clothes and shoes behind to make room in my suitcases. So I wanted to give them to someone I knew needed them and that they would fit. We also visited with the little grandma out there. I just love her! She’s 92 years old and just as precious as can be! We gave her a couple more blankets. The room where her bed is we would probably call a porch. It only has one wall and the rest is open to the outside. She only speaks in Guarani. So Oscar was translating it into Spanish, then Christie would translate some into English.

Tuesday night, I went to visit with my pastora one last time. Camille and I visited with her for about an hour. She served us coffee and bread. She is such a sweet lady! I pray God gives me the chance to visit here again someday. But if He doesn’t, I know I will see them all again and I can’t wait!

I should be in the bed by now but I’m wide awake. I have a big day ahead of me. We will try to leave the house around 9 am. My flight leaves Asuncion at 2:45 pm. We have a 3 hour layover in Argentina that includes an airport change. I’m praying all of that will go smoothly. Another layover in Atlanta. Then we should land in Chattanooga around 9:45 am tomorrow (Thursday). My mom and dad, grandparents, Matt, April, Seth and Alex should all be there waiting for me. We plan to stay in Chattanooga until Saturday.

When I get a chance I will be changing the name of my blog. But I still plan on blogging because I still plan on having adventures.

Change

A few months ago, my sister told me about how my nephew, Seth, was having a really hard time with change. A chair being put in a different place, the garbage man taking the trash away. It all seemed to bother him and cause a complete meltdown. This broke my heart because he’s only 4 years old. I thought about how this is the one thing I have always struggled with and still don’t know how to accept change. I wrote him a book and put it on Power Point for her to show him and read to him. It was called He Stays The Same. Tonight I had to read it for myself. Here are a few lines from it:

Things around us will always change….
the weather, the seasons,
the people in our lives.
But no matter what….
God will always be the same!

He calls us His children.
He watches over us and gives us peace.
He hears us when we pray.
He meets our every need.
He knows our thoughts and our hearts.
He loves us all the same.
No matter what may happen in life.
God will never change!

For me, it has always been the change of people in my life that I can’t figure out how to deal with. When someone dies, moves away, or when their season in my life is over. I’m an extremely sentimental person. I hold on to memories and anything that holds a memory like you wouldn’t believe. Today I sat outside of a store and I just let myself cry. I couldn’t not cry any longer. I don’t know how to let go. I know the “letting go” happens with time and usually you don’t even notice that it has happened. But what do you do with that emptiness in the meantime?

A lot of “letting go” and healing has taken place in the last 6 months. A lot of seeing things as they really were and accepting it. An absolute favorite line from a song I love: “Hope which was lost now stands renewed.” Some days I can sing that and some days I just don’t understand. And that’s ok.

I have had to do a lot of packing my things and walking away throughout the years. Even when it wasn’t my choice, I still had to turn and walk away. But why do I always feel like I’m the one being left? I don’t like that feeling one bit.

I have no idea where I’m going with this.

What will be different?

This is a great question, an important question, a much-needed question….

How do you think your life will be different when you come back because of what you learned in Paraguay? Will you use technology less, worship God differently than before, etc.?

But I’m still not sure of the answer. I can, however, answer with talking about some of the things I’ve learned here in Paraguay. And by sharing some of my desires for when I return home.

I think what has made the biggest impact on me is the sense of community. I’ve talked about this in other blogs. It’s amazing to walk down the street and see someone you’ve only met once, have them stop and greet you, then spend of few minutes with you. It feels like you’ve known them your whole life. That has amazed me! It makes me want to treat people like that, treat relationships that way. I don’t want to be in a hurry. I want to stop and let people know I care about them.

A friend asked the other day, “What is the best thing that happened while you were here?” At the time, I felt bad because I couldn’t answer the question. I’ve experienced a lot of really great things here but the best things are definitely the changes that have taken place on the inside.

At the beginning of the year, I asked God what this season is all about. The answer – TAKE ROOT. But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they go right on producing delicious fruit. (Jeremiah 17:7,8)

I don’t know how life will be different but I know it will be because I am different. I know God has a plan for me! I don’t yet know what the next steps are. I trust that when He leads me to that next step, He is my hope and my confidence, nothing is impossible with God!

As for technology, I don’t see that changing. I’m not very knowledgeable in that area anyway. I’ve never been one to rely on technology. Since I’ve been here, I have probably spent more time emailed, blogging, and on Facebook than I did before I came. It’s been my way of keeping in touch with family and friends.

I’ve always felt that God calls us to simplicity. I do have too much stuff, compared to what one needs to live on. But I’ve always tried to live a simple life, not wanting too much “extra stuff.” I want to continue to be thankful for what I do have, giving to those who do not have, and live the life I feel God has called me to live.

I want worship to always be my life, not just something I do. I definitely have reason to wake up every morning and live a life of worship for God. He has carried me and loved me from the very beginning. This is a passage I love: I will bless the Lord who guides me; even at night my heart instructs me. I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for He is right beside me. No wonder my heart is filled with joy, and my mouth shouts His praises! My body rests in safety. You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of Your presence and the pleasures of living with You forever. (Psalm 16:7-9,11)

Questions about Paraguay - Part 2

* What kind of jobs do the people have there?

This is a really fun question to answer because I love the answer. You have your banks, retail stores, restaurants, grocery stores. What we would see as usual jobs. But then….this is what I love….anything you want to do to make money, you can do it. You don’t need a degree, a permit, a business license.

Our pastor and his wife make fruit salad everyday. He puts it in a cooler on the back of his moto and drives around town selling it. Their son and daughter-in-law do the same thing with homemade bread.

Some people sell things on the buses. They get on at one stop and get off at the next. It’s free for them to ride. They could have anything….chipa, drinks, candy, cough drops. One day we were on a bus and a man was selling dish towels.

Then in the city, you have your folks who stand at the traffic lights selling things. Literally, anything you can imagine. One day we saw a man carrying one of those model ships. It was 2 or 3 feet long. He was walking down the sidewalk beside the cars, trying to get someone to buy it. People also stand at the lights and wash your windows while you wait.

We see a lot of people in parking lots selling lottery tickets and directing traffic. They will get out in the road and guide you out of your parking space in order to make a few cents.

A lot of people have businesses in the front room of their houses. Markets, restaurants, hair salons, copying and printing.


*Do they have a lot different religions there like we do? Do they have a lot of churches?

About 90 % are Catholic. Every town has a large Catholic church. Every neighborhood has a small Catholic church. There are also a lot of Jehovah’s Witnesses. Any church that is neither Catholic nor Jehovah’s Witness they call Evangelical. I believe there are about 5 or 7 Evangelical churches close to us.



*What kinds of food do they have?

A few of their usual foods include….tortillas (not what we call tortillas), sopa (somewhat like corn bread but much better), rice salad, bean salad, mandioca, empanadas, asado (barbecue). I’ve had several meals of what I would call stew. It was a thick soup with rice, meat, vegetables, and egg.

I expected the food here to be spicy. I was hoping it would be because I love spicy foods. But it’s not at all. Even black pepper is too spicy for some people here. I think a lot of their flavor comes from salt and garlic.

mi abuela paraguaya

I spent the day with my pastora. She is so special to me. I have been so blessed by her love and her gentle spirit. She has allowed me to come into her home about once a week and help as her and her daughter-in-law bake bread.

Today I thought I was going there to bake bread but she had other plans for me. When I first arrived, she had me cracking open cocos with a rock. It was much easier this time. The last time she had me doing this, the palm of my hand was bruised for days.

When I finished with that, she gave me a bucket of apples to peel. The pastor and their son spend the morning peeling and slicing fresh fruit. Then they make a syrup and add to it. The pastor carries the fruit salad in a cooler on the back of his moto. He drives around town selling it for about 30 cents a cup.

After I finished peeling all the apples, the pastora gave me everything I needed for mate. As I sat at the table drinking mate, she decided she wanted me to paint. She gave me these big seed things that come off a tree here, along with a few colors of paint. I thought I was painting them for her but she ended up sending them home with me. I’m giving two of them away. But there’s one I really love that I painted a tree on. I’m going to try my best to bring it back home with me.

Then she served me lunch….an amazing soup with rice, egg, vegetables, and some kind of meat. Yes, meat. Yes, I ate it. I have eaten it a few times at her house. The first time it was because I didn’t know how to turn it down and explain why I couldn’t eat it. The other times I’ve eaten it because I knew it would taste amazing. But it definitely doesn’t come without consequences.

After lunch, she showed me to my room. Each time I’m there, she prepares a room for my rest after lunch. The after lunch nap is something I do want to continue when I get home, the eating meat is not. I slept late today and didn’t think I needed to sleep after lunch. But I thought I’d rest anyway. Before I laid down on the bed, she sprayed lavender over the bed. Within minutes, I was sound asleep. Before falling asleep, I laid there thinking about my mama (my mom’s mother). I could hear the pet bird chirping, hear the tv on and smell the bread baking. I almost forgot where I was and how old I was. For a minute I thought I was lying in my mama’s bed. I thought I would get up, go in the kitchen, hug my mama and talk to her. I was almost in tears. Then I woke up and had to remember I was not in my mama’s bed and I could not go give her a hug. But I felt her near me. I felt her loving me.

After I got up from my rest, I went in the kitchen, where there was a cup of fresh fruit salad waiting on me. As a pan of fresh baked bread came out of the oven, she gave me a steaming hot loaf. It was delicious!

We watched some of the fútbol game together. Then she turned into my Granny for a little while as we played Phase 10 and she beat me by 50 points.

It makes me very sad to think that I have to leave her in only 2 weeks. Today was a day I will never forget. God knows when we need a day with abuela (grandmother). He knows when to satisfy our souls with a love that can only come from a grandmother. And no matter where we are in the world, He will do just that!

Questions about Paraguay - Part 1

April asked: What is the population of Paraguay? When was it founded? What is the average family income?

- The population of Paraguay is around 6.3 million
- It was founded August 15, 1535
- The average man makes around $120/ month. The average woman makes around $70/ month.

* Do people seem to be as technology driven as we are or do they choose to live without it?

- The people of Paraguay are definitely not driven by technology. Most people don’t own a computer or home phone. I have noticed that just about everyone has a cell phone. That was something that surprised me when I first came here. I don’t see people talking on them often but they text all the time. And that really comes in handy. Texting has been a great way to send invitations and reminders. A lot of people even reply to let you know if they’ll be there or not.

I’ve been in a few houses that do have small televisions. You’ll never see a giant flat-screen TV in a house here. However, they are all over the malls. That was a little shocking. TVs in the elevator, in the bathroom, everywhere at the mall. I’m not sure how it is in the city but here in the country, people can’t afford to live that kind of lifestyle.

* I've read from several people that no one is ever in a hurry and there's a lot of time to just sit and enjoy each others company. How do they do it?

- That’s one of the things I love the most about the culture here! You hear that and read it but until you have actually been here and experienced it, it’s hard to comprehend that it really is that way.

Don’t take that as they have nothing to do and just sit around all day. They are extremely hard workers. They still get the things done that need to be done. But they don’t get in a hurry.

Someone can stop by to visit at any time. And when they do, you stop whatever you’re doing and you visit with them. The “things” are not what’s important, they people are. I think this goes hand-in-hand with the question about technology. Their lives are not filled with technology. So they’re able to build relationships in a way I’ve never seen before. Sometimes it may be a little frustrating when things start an hour later than you expected. But the way they treat their time definitely enriches their relationships. And it’s a healthier choice, less stress, less worry.

I really don’t know how to answer the question “how do they do it?” They don’t do it….it’s who they are. It’s the culture and the way of life. I love it! I want to write more about it, incorporate it into my life when I get home. I have learned so much since I’ve been here on relationships and community.

blog, blog, blog

If anyone actually reads my blogs, you’ve probably noticed I didn’t do so good at it last month and this is my first one for June. Sometimes, I try to figure out what to write about. Other times, I know what to write about, I just can’t get my mind to focus on writing. A habit I really have to break, as I love to write and always have something to write about.

I’m going to try these next few days to really focus on writing. Until then….help me out a little. If there’s anything you want me to write about, any questions you have about Paraguay, my time in Paraguay, or pretty much anything….leave me a comment, email me, whatever. I promise to answer you.