the monster in my garage

My mornings usually start a little like this….I hit the snooze button at least 5 times….I think about getting up….then stretch a little….think about how I wish I didn’t have to get up….stretch a little more….then sort of roll out of bed. This morning was different. I actually hit snooze way more times than usual. After stretching a little, the thought came to my mind….I can’t do this by myself. So before my feet ever hit the ground, I began praying some very specific prayers to God….as He laid on my heart things I would need to walk through this day. I am not a morning person….surprise! I want to be. I love being awake early but it seems to take so long to wake up and feel focused. So for my mind and heart to be this focused before I even rolled out of bed was very unusual. I don’t even think I rolled out this morning….I sort of hopped out….excited to get the day started. Nothing unusual happened at work….nothing special. But I could feel them….all the things I had asked God for today. The point in that is don’t hesitate to ask God for what you need. He’s waiting for you to ask. He’s there with an abundance of joy, peace, love….and anything else you need. You never know where your day will take you….or your thoughts or emotions. Yesterday I was feeling very homesick. Today wasn’t so bad. But as I drove home from work, I began thinking of all the things I needed to do this evening. I thought about dinner and what I would cook. I thought about needing groceries and cleaning and exercising (none of which I’ve done yet). My mind goes quickly from one thing to the next. So it wasn’t long before I was thinking about how I used to spend my evenings when I lived in Lewisburg. I wouldn’t get home until at least 5:30. I would always come home to family and friends. My sister and I would usually cook dinner together for everyone. After cleaning up and doing the dishes, we would go for a walk. We walked 2 miles every night. Some of my best memories are from those walks. I got home, walked in and sat my belongings down. Then it hit me….something like peace. It’s rare that I open the garage door and don’t feel like a ton of bricks have fallen on me. Many times I’ve had to pray before even opening that door because I know what’s on the other side….empty, quiet rooms. But tonight I walked in and never even felt it….the sadness. I thanked God. I thanked Him that before my day started He was working. He was working to give me peace and strength. He was working to bring me joy and hope. He was working to fight that monster behind the garage door….that monster that says, “You’re all alone. You better figure this out on your own because nobody is coming to rescue you. It’s just you and me.” Am I the only one with a monster like this? I sure hope not. But I also hope that you too know the truths that God speaks much louder than any of those lies….YOU ARE LOVED! YOU ARE WANTED! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Patience...and other annoying lessons

Patience is a virtue. And by golly, it’s gonna be one of mine, even if it kills me. I’ve always been patient when it comes to others…mistakes, children, other people in general. But there are some things in life that cause me to feel very impatient. Waiting on answers. Waiting on things to work out. Waiting on things to happen. Sometimes I feel like I’ve been waiting around for 30 years for my life to start. Other times I feel like it’s come and gone and I’ve missed it altogether. I can’t explain those feelings, justify them, or defend them. All I can do is admit to them. I always say. “Patience is a virtue but it’s not one of mine.” A few weeks ago, I was driving and began thinking about a situation in my life that is left without answers. Someday, probably after I master patience, I will learn that one very important word….LETITGO! Sometimes you just won’t get answers…ever. So you just have to let it go. So I began praying about this certain situation when I looked up and saw a billboard on the side of the interstate. The bottom sign was for BP and above it was a blank, white sign and in the lower right corner, printed very small were the words…patience is a virtue. Out loud…very loudly…I said, “REALLY, GOD…REALLY? That’s what You have to say right now? Tell me something I don’t know!” Then my own words played in my mind…patience is virtue but it’s not one of mine. Then I said…”Oohhhh! That’s what this is about.” But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control…. We can’t pick only what comes easy. Or in what situations we want to show love, patience, gentleness….We must bear fruit at all times, in all situations. I’m in the process of learning. And trying.

Thinking a lot....dreaming a little

As I left Knoxville this past weekend, I was driving down the interstate, doing a lot of thinking. As usual. Some say I think too much. Or over think things. I agree. But I don’t know how not to. I passed one of the exits that I hear about often but have only been on once. When I read the sign, I felt this feeling of familiarity. And somehow, that’s what started my thinking. Three and a half years ago, I was someone who was unwilling to drive on the interstate but more than willing to hop on a plane for the first time ever, fly to a third-world country in South America and live with a family I’d never met. Why? Not only is the interstate a scary place, it’s normal (for normal people)….it’s part of everyday life. It’s routine. It’s the daily work commute. It’s the weekly shopping trip. It’s the monthly business trip. It becomes mundane. What scared me more….the traffic or the idea of getting up everyday and doing the same thing? When I moved here in November, it was my 10th move in 9 years. The longest I’ve been in one place at one time, since I was 21, was the 2 years I lived in Lewisburg. Why was I there so long? I had dreams….dreams of being settled down….living in a little house with flowers in the yard, walking the kids to the school directly across the street, planting a garden….living with the awareness that every 30 minutes the train would go by. Talk about routine. That’s what I wanted….to wear my favorite apron and make homemade biscuits, pick berries and make homemade jam, to hang the laundry outside to dry on warm days. I loved waking up everyday, going to the same job, seeing the same people….dreaming the same dreams. And then….I woke up. After that, in every place I lived, as soon as the last box was empty, the last picture hung, I started getting antsy. I thought it was an adventurous spirit….I didn’t realize it was a broken spirit. When the routine gets set and the days run together, I feel that uncomfortable feeling….I don’t know if I can put words to it….it makes me want to dream. It makes me want to hope. But is it safe to dream? Is it safe to hope? It sure is easier to pack up and move on. It’s easier to push your dreams aside and become someone new. Is my heart dreaming today? Maybe. I want to buy a sewing machine. I want to finish sewing the aprons I’ve started. I want to learn to make tiny dresses for little princesses. I want to make those homemade biscuits I dreamed of and pick the berries for the jam. I want to finally plant the herbs that I bought seeds for months ago. I want to do all the things that bring me joy. I don’t want to pack up, move on, or be someone new. I want to get back to me and back to my dreams….even if that means being uncomfortable for a little while.

Living, loving & learning

I believe in fairy tales and I’m told that it’s ok. I hold tight to that truth that IT’S OK…to have desires, longings, to want someone to smile when I walk in the room, to giggle when someone says his name. Those are not silly, girlish things. That’s the way God made the woman’s heart. It’s His design and He understands it fully…even when these longings cause us to act out in silly ways. What’s the point? LOVE…that’s the point. I am learning about love…God’s love. I have so many passionate things inside of me that I enjoy sharing. I generally always felt hopeful…usually…some of the time. I could find encouragement in just about any situation. I’m not the person who falls apart easily. I always saw myself that way…weak and emotional. But others would describe me as strong and persevering. So…then why on earth did I fall apart? Why did I feel completely lost…completely hopeless…helpless…alone…and the list of self-pitying words could go on and on. For one…I found out that my heart is still beating. The heart that has been hard and lifeless for 4 years…it’s still there. And it’s capable of feeling so much love. None of us want to feel heartbreak but sometimes it’s just what we need, as a reminder that we are still alive. Sometimes we live so long just going through the motions and not feeling anything that we forget how to really live. Life is full of all kinds of emotions and we can’t shield ourselves from the ones we don’t like or else we shield ourselves from life’s fullness. What does this have to do with God’s love? Everything. God is incredibly, madly, passionately in love with us. What do we do when He so passionately pursues us? Do we trust Him? Do we open up our hearts and accept His love? Do we fall right back in love with Him? Do we tell him we’re too busy or too tired to spend time with him? Do we let our hurts and fears keep us from trusting in His love? Do we push Him away or try to run? Do we sit at His feet with all of our brokenness and honesty and let Him fill our broken hearts with His love? I know I have hurt God’s heart many times, as I’ve pushed Him away and told Him with my actions that I don’t trust Him. But He’s so forgiving. That’s how much He loves us. Even while His heart is breaking, He’s pursuing us. I’m not perfect. I’m learning. Life is a series of new lessons and new beginnings. One of my deep desires is to start writing again. I plan to open up my heart, as messy as it is, and share the lessons I’m learning. Hopefully there won’t be another year between blog entries.

The Danger of Resignation

A few days ago, I felt ashamed that the thought on my mind was, “I’m so done with this season in my life.” I’m not even sure when this season began but it seems to be filled with nothing but loss and sadness. It’s not me at all to want to throw my hands up and call it quits. Normally, I can learn lessons in any trial and walk away from any mistake having no regrets. I won’t go into detail on these things that have happened but a few weeks ago I received heart-breaking news. I was actually shocked at how much it affected me. It opened the door for God to begin working on my heart….in ways that are anything but fun. Because of these heart issues that God & I have been dealing with, I took two chances that I normally would have run from. I walked away from the second one feeling worse than I ever remember feeling. At one point, when things were going good, I made a comment that I felt bad for ever doubting that God had a plan for me. In the end, I felt as though God had dangled a dream in front of me and just when I got the courage to reach for it, He snatched it back and laughed, “You thought I was serious!” Yes, I know that is not the nature of God. I know that He does have a plan for me and that He’s not going to let me settle for anything less. My heart was tired and almost to the point of resignation. We can resign from what God is doing in us. We can opt out of His plan when the process seems too hard. But know that He sees the end. He knows what He’s doing. He loves us and has our best interest at heart. These song lyrics speaks volumes to my heart…. I knew what I was getting into when I called you. I knew what I was getting into when I said your name, but I said it just the same. I knew what I was getting into and I still want you. And I am not shocked by your weakness. And I am not shocked even by your sin. And I am not shocked by your brokenness. Because only I can see the end from the beginning. And only I can see where this is going. And only I can see the end from the beginning. And I see in you the seeds of love. And I see in you strength when all you see is your failure On Friday morning, I drove to work feeling sad, tired, and praying for the week to get better. Instead, I got news that my grandpa had passed away. More heart-breaking news. Somehow, I forgot that my heart was ready to resign. Instead, it had to hold on tighter, just a little longer. This is the third grandparent I’ve lost. And every time I say, I have no idea how someone can go through this without Jesus. I am so thankful for the time I got to spend with my grandpa that last weekend. And so thankful for the strength that God has given us all through this time. As much as it doesn’t make sense in a human perspective, I’ve walked away knowing that God is up to something big. It has to be something big for me to have considered giving up on this process. I got home and checked the mail to find exactly what God wanted to speak to my heart today….a letter about hope. I have read this prayer several times and mean every word of it…. Jesus, I ask you to breathe hope into me, right here, in the places that have lost hope. Restore hope. Give me your hope. Spirit, help me; I pray to overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. I renounce resignation, cynicism and defeat; I renounce hopelessness. Come and restore my heart here, Lord. I put my hope not in an object or an outcome but in Jesus Christ. I put my hope in you, Jesus. Come and breathe your hope in me, and keep breathing it into me, breathing it into me, breathing it into me. I welcome hope; I receive hope. Because of you, Jesus; because you are here. In your name I pray. Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 So….while God does give us the option of resigning….nothing on earth could be better than the plans He has for us….even when we can’t see the outcome yet. He sees the end….and we’re only at the beginning.

This Season

I may be a little more honest in this post than in most of my blog entries. I know that the only people who read my blog are the ones who care what I have to say. So I’m definitely not worried that I’m telling the whole world anything too personal because the whole world does not read my blog.

This season for me is a season of tearing down walls, building friendships, and pressing into God. It’s also been a season of seeing what I’m made of, seeing how much I want what God has for me. I was given a great word of advice a couple months ago…FIGHT LIKE HELL…for the things God wants to do in me. Fight against the lies of the enemy. Fight against the temptation to keep building walls, to not let anyone in. Fight for change, restoration, and healing.

During this time, I have been going through the Freedom in Christ study with a great friend and leader. I’ve learned so much, about God and about myself. Even before moving here, PERSPECTIVE was a huge theme in what God was trying to teach me. I have been blessed, through submitting to God and His process, with a new perspective on many things…my job, my relationships, my past. I am so thankful to begin seeing things through His eyes, as I trust in His bigger plan.

I am finding joy in being around others, rather than being filled with fear of rejection. I have peace at my job and I trust I am exactly where God wants me. I feel this incredible hope as I trust God for my future. I’m thankful that He has a plan and a purpose just for me. He has a special adventure waiting for me. But I’m also trusting Him in the everyday things, that He can bring joy and excitement through the smallest, most routine parts of my day.

As I got home tonight, I was still smiling from ear to ear from the joy that I am overwhelmed with today. (Here’s the more personal bit…) I’ve written today’s date many times throughout the day and each time it was just another day. For that I am thankful…not only is it just another day…it’s a new day. Today is August 30th. Today could have been my 3 year anniversary. As I realized this at 9:00 pm, when the day is almost over…I am still smiling from ear to ear. Today I walk in complete healing, in overwhelming joy, in unfailing love, in supernatural peace. I am so thankful for the plans God has for me! I’m thankful that He doesn’t let my plans get in the way of His plans! I’m thankful that He gently draws us to Himself and yet He passionately pursues us!

The Lord will work out His plans for my life - for Your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever. Psalm 138:8

My future is in Your hands! Psalm 31:15

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

I Had Forgotten How Long the Road Was

20 years…that’s how long I’ve known Camp Hickory Hills as a second home, as a place of peace, a place of retreat. Friends are not only made there…they come back year after year and pick right up where they left off. I am so thankful for that being such a huge part of my life and for all the people there who have loved me, prayed for me, and even disciplined me!

I was a camper from age 8 to 21 and part of the staff starting at age 17. Some years, I attended as a camper, then worked 2 camps. Other years, I worked 3 different camps…I was pretty much running on Slushies and square pizza. I’m so thankful for the directors who always saw my heart and were willing to give me a chance to serve.

When I was a kid, the drive to camp was about 4 hours. But if you’ve ever been there, you know what the longest part of that drive is…the last road. Even now, it seems like a lifetime could pass before you get there. Then, finally, you see Skeeter’s…you’re only half-way there. Great…will we ever get there?

I can’t even count the times we got lost. The other day I heard a mom say that her husband was giving her directions and said, “Count 7 bridges…” 20 years and I’ve never even thought to count the bridges. Hmmm…

Last year was the first year I didn’t get to work at camp. I had a good excuse…I was out of the country. This year I knew I wouldn’t get to work but I was so thankful that I got to spend 2 days there. Several times I’ve hinted around about wanting to work in the kitchen. Every time, I get this strange look. For years, I’ve wanted to wash dishes at camp…but when you’re a cabin leader there’s just no time to wash the dishes…but I can scrub all the toilets I want to…I do always enjoy that. If you think I’m joking, you’ve never seen me scrubbing toilets at camp…I really do enjoy it! This year I got to help out some with the staff meal on Saturday. I mostly felt like I was in the way…but I really love chopping vegetables…so it was a blessing to get to be in the kitchen there. Then…guess what I did…da…dada……I WASHED DISHES! It was just as fun as I always imagined it being. Seriously!

Later that day, I got to help with registration…a part of camp I’ve never experienced because at that time I’m always sitting on my bed waiting for the campers to arrive and make their beds. I actually found myself genuinely surprised that someone had NEVER been there before. What? Really? It suddenly occurred to me that as these people arrive and walk into the chapel I’m the first face they see…dear Lord, no one thought this through!

This blog was not supposed to be about my camp experience but rather about my camp journey. But as I began typing, I just couldn’t help myself. So…this year, I was coming from an entirely different place. I knew a way to get to camp from here (without getting on the interstate…because I just don’t do that) but my dad was insistent that I not go that way because it was the long way. Isn’t that how it usually is…we think we know what we’re doing, where we’re going, how to get there…let’s face it, we know it all. The way we go about things may get us there eventually…but it’s just not the BEST way to go.

So after much searching for the BEST way to go, I started off on my little journey to camp. The roads I took were AMAZING…beautiful trees and scenery, great houses…my kind of houses (old). At one point, I was on this beautiful, winding road and I had this great joy come over me. I thought about how I used to love this…driving by myself, finding great new ways to get to places, just the peacefulness of the drive. Then I thought how long it had been since I’ve had that feeling…2 years. I used to love that…then I got so used to enjoying those things and always having someone else with me that I completely forgot how to have that joy on my own. I couldn’t believe that for 2 years I had not allowed myself this joy. I couldn’t be too hard on myself about it because I honestly didn’t even realize I had missed it.

As I’m really enjoying my drive, guess what…I got lost. I ended up turning down OLD Hwy 7...not the Hwy 7 I was supposed to be on. After a little freaking out and a phone call to Matt (who was in Gatlinburg but I wanted him to prove to me that his phone really can do everything and get me “unlost”), I was finally on the right road again……then……I couldn’t go any further. The road was closed. Of course I called Matt again. He took me on a little detour and got me back to that road several miles down. If that side of the road had been closed, I would have turned around and came back home. So again I got on the correct Hwy 7...and I got right behind 3 big trucks going 35mph on a road where there was really no way to pass them. I was already thinking, “Am I ever going to get to camp?”

Finally…I got to Dickson…after a quick stop at O’Charley’s and a trip to Walmart with Ana, I was ALMOST there. On that last road…finally. I’m thinking, “How long is this road? I just want to be there already!” Just when I’m thinking I’m almost there, I get to Skeeter’s…man, this is like half-way.

Two years ago, the road closed…if I’m really honest, there were signs…DETOUR AHEAD - ROAD CLOSED…but what can you do until you get to that point? God had a different road, a better road. And there are so many times when I just cry out…HOW LONG IS THIS ROAD? I JUST WANT TO BE THERE ALREADY! That’s when I hear it…the whisper…DO YOU TRUST ME? Then there are times when I think I’m almost there…and I see it…it’s just a landmark…still not there. But that doesn’t mean I stop and park there, no, I keep going because I trust Him! He has a place of peace for me, a place a retreat…I LIFT MY EYES UP TO THE HILLS - WHERE DOES MY HELP COME FROM? MY HELP COMES FROM THE LORD, THE MAKER OF HEAVEN AND EARTH (Psalm 121:1,2).