Tuesday, May 22, 2012
A few days ago, I felt ashamed that the thought on my mind was, “I’m so done with this season in my life.” I’m not even sure when this season began but it seems to be filled with nothing but loss and sadness. It’s not me at all to want to throw my hands up and call it quits. Normally, I can learn lessons in any trial and walk away from any mistake having no regrets. I won’t go into detail on these things that have happened but a few weeks ago I received heart-breaking news. I was actually shocked at how much it affected me. It opened the door for God to begin working on my heart….in ways that are anything but fun. Because of these heart issues that God & I have been dealing with, I took two chances that I normally would have run from. I walked away from the second one feeling worse than I ever remember feeling. At one point, when things were going good, I made a comment that I felt bad for ever doubting that God had a plan for me. In the end, I felt as though God had dangled a dream in front of me and just when I got the courage to reach for it, He snatched it back and laughed, “You thought I was serious!” Yes, I know that is not the nature of God. I know that He does have a plan for me and that He’s not going to let me settle for anything less. My heart was tired and almost to the point of resignation. We can resign from what God is doing in us. We can opt out of His plan when the process seems too hard. But know that He sees the end. He knows what He’s doing. He loves us and has our best interest at heart. These song lyrics speaks volumes to my heart…. I knew what I was getting into when I called you. I knew what I was getting into when I said your name, but I said it just the same. I knew what I was getting into and I still want you. And I am not shocked by your weakness. And I am not shocked even by your sin. And I am not shocked by your brokenness. Because only I can see the end from the beginning. And only I can see where this is going. And only I can see the end from the beginning. And I see in you the seeds of love. And I see in you strength when all you see is your failure On Friday morning, I drove to work feeling sad, tired, and praying for the week to get better. Instead, I got news that my grandpa had passed away. More heart-breaking news. Somehow, I forgot that my heart was ready to resign. Instead, it had to hold on tighter, just a little longer. This is the third grandparent I’ve lost. And every time I say, I have no idea how someone can go through this without Jesus. I am so thankful for the time I got to spend with my grandpa that last weekend. And so thankful for the strength that God has given us all through this time. As much as it doesn’t make sense in a human perspective, I’ve walked away knowing that God is up to something big. It has to be something big for me to have considered giving up on this process. I got home and checked the mail to find exactly what God wanted to speak to my heart today….a letter about hope. I have read this prayer several times and mean every word of it…. Jesus, I ask you to breathe hope into me, right here, in the places that have lost hope. Restore hope. Give me your hope. Spirit, help me; I pray to overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. I renounce resignation, cynicism and defeat; I renounce hopelessness. Come and restore my heart here, Lord. I put my hope not in an object or an outcome but in Jesus Christ. I put my hope in you, Jesus. Come and breathe your hope in me, and keep breathing it into me, breathing it into me, breathing it into me. I welcome hope; I receive hope. Because of you, Jesus; because you are here. In your name I pray. Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 So….while God does give us the option of resigning….nothing on earth could be better than the plans He has for us….even when we can’t see the outcome yet. He sees the end….and we’re only at the beginning.