Tuesday, May 20, 2014
It’s been months and months since I first mentioned the soup blog. I still haven’t written it. As I was thinking about it today, I thought….does it really matter now? Why should I write it after all these months? Sometimes we have to bring things back up and talk about them again, not because we haven’t moved past that thought but because someone else can benefit from our story. So….here goes….the soup blog…. Last Summer, 2 different guys in my life said very similar things to me….that I’m comforting….it’s comforting when I’m around. The second time I heard it, I busted out with….SOUP! I AM FREAKIN’ CAMPBELL’S SOUP! BUT WHO WANTS SOUP EVERYDAY? The friend I was with at that time took it one way and made me promise to stop talking about myself like I didn’t deserve great things. I took his advice to heart and even did something about it….maybe I’ll get to that later on. Then I told this realization to the first guy who called me comforting. He took it a different way and told me that being soup is a good thing. He said, soup comes in so many different varieties….I wondered for a minute is he was calling me crazy and saying I came with many personalities. Either way, he thought it was a good thing to think of myself as soup. So I took my friends advice and I started believing that I deserve good things. I thought about how I would spend a lot of money on a gift for someone else because “they deserve it” but if I needed something new, I didn’t mind going to the dollar store for myself. There’s nothing wrong with being frugal as long as it’s for good reason and not because you feel like you only deserve the dollar store. So I started on a journey of learning to take care of me. This meant saying no to a lot of things that I did out of obligation. It meant figuring out what I liked and enjoyed and taking time for those things. In August, I was shopping with my mom and saw a bracelet/watch thing that I had seen one of my customers wearing the week before. I liked it a lot but never wear watches and “diamonds just aren’t me.” For a month I thought about this watch. I finally decided I wanted it….I should have something pretty….who says diamonds aren’t me? I went to the store and there was one watch left. I looked at the $28 price tag and almost didn’t buy it. $28 isn’t a whole lot but for someone who’s used to simple things and trips to the dollar store, this was a pretty big deal. I sat in my car and put the watch on. I loved it! It was beautiful! The next store I went in was a jewelry store. Walking in, I actually thought, I hope they don’t think I stole this from another store. I stood there and had a conversation in my head about this. Just because I’m not used to wearing things that sparkle, no one else knows that, why in the world would they just assume I stole it? And this, friends, is how the spirit of inadequacy works….why am I not good enough? What’s wrong with me? Will I ever be enough for someone to love and want? Oh no, I’m ok, I don’t need anything fancy or nice. And those are BIG FAT LIES. I do regret not blogging through this whole process. A lot of lessons have been learned. A lot of new things….I curl my hair often….because I love my hair when it’s curly. I go on long walks and hikes by myself….and occasionally with a friend. I joined a gym and met with a personal trainer for a few months. I had two goals….gain confidence and don’t lose my butt….I reached both of those goals and am still working on them. As I’m reading back over this, I’m thinking, what did I just do? What does this have to do with the soup story? It all ties together. I have to see the compliment in being soup. I love that others find me comforting. I love that I can hold someone and let them feel loved. But I also can’t think of myself as just soup. Sometimes you’re in the mood for tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich. Sometimes you want something more fancy. Yeah, fancy soup, I’m sure there’s fancy soup somewhere. It’s a balancing act. One of the first things I learned from my personal trainer was about balance….when you relax, you can keep your balance better. Everything in life is a balancing act. I may be soup….but I’m beautiful soup….and someday I’m going to meet someone who is crazy about soup. This didn’t turn out like I wanted it to….but such is life.