Sunday, April 25, 2010

I Woke Up In Paraguay

Last night I went to a wedding. Second wedding in a week. I hate weddings. When you’re a little girl, weddings give you dreams and hopes and they make you happy. But now they give me visions of a future that I can’t touch. They make me sad. They make me ask “why?”

When I got home from the wedding, I read some news that could have broken my heart all over again. It should have broken my heart. It should have devastated me. But it didn’t. Of course, I did cry. I worried Saúl. He had not seen me cry yet. Christie and I stayed up until around 3 am, talking and watching tv.

When I went to bed, I laid there for about an hour, talking to God, crying to God, letting Him take care of my heart. I felt Him close to me. I felt Him holding me and whispering in my ear, “You are my design. You are my desire.” All I need is Him, holing my hand and leading me wherever He wants me to go. God knows me inside-out. And the amazing thing is He still loves me. Even though He knows all the ugliness, all the hurt and pain, all the short comings and failures….He still wants me….He has never left me.

A few hours later….something happened that amazes me….I woke up in Paraguay. I know that may sound crazy. I went to sleep in Paraguay, of course I woke up there too. But something in it spoke to me. If God did not have a plan for me, I would not have woken up in Paraguay….I would have woken up the same person, in the same place, with no purpose. But no….I woke up 5,000 miles from everything I know….both physically and emotionally speaking….with no one next to me. And I’m ok. I’m more than ok.

My family and I are extremely close. My sister just had a baby this past week. I do want to be there. I want to hold Alex. I want to hug Seth. I want to go grocery shopping with my dad. I want to eat at a café with my mom. I want to cook supper with April. I want to listen to Matt talk about stuff I don’t understand. Christie thought for sure I’d change my return flight ticket and go home when Alex was born. As badly as I want to be there, something greater keeps me here. A strength I have never in my life known or felt. Sometimes it gives me comfort and sometimes it scares me.

Up until this point, I have assumed God’s plans for me based on what I feel. I have let fear, distrust, and insecurities keep me from true surrender. I want the life God made me for….whatever that looks like….whatever that takes.

I cry out to God Most High, to God who will fulfill His purpose for me. Psalm 57:2

The Lord will work out His plans for my life - for Your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever. Don’t abandon me, for You made me. Psalm 138:8

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